July 11, 2022

 

I’m not ready to start this yet. I don’t have a domain, haven’t formatted a website, haven’t even fully committed in my head. But that is exactly why I just have to start. A year-long commitment is too much to ever really get ready for. I just need to take it day by day, week by week. 

 

What is this anyway? It’s me being fed up with my life, myself. And finally doing something about it.

 

I had a dream last night that one of my best friends from college ghosted me. Blocked my phone number, ignored me when I tried talking to her. It hit me so hard that it woke me up, even though I haven’t even talked to this friend in about a decade. I’ve been so afraid of everything that I have crept deeper and deeper inside a shell to the point where I have no personality. And my friends have noticed. Not that that dream was real of course, but it could be.

 

A few years ago, a so-called friend remarked, with an innocent note of congenial surprise: “You’re fun right now!” I stared at her blankly. “I mean, usually you’re so boring, but right now I almost like you!” She didn’t say those exact words, but that was the unveiled message, and I, unbelievably, was flattered. Ugh! I hate that I didn’t say something scathing about the horridness of a person that would say something like that to someone else – even such a boring person as myself. But the really blechy thing is that she was right. I’m just so damned afraid of everything that I don’t do anything, and it’s f#@!ing boring!

 

And so I embark, day by day, on a year-long quest to change my habits. Every week, for a year, I will adopt a new habit, and keep it up throughout the remainder of the year, and hopefully beyond. Ultimately, this is some sort of attempt to engage in my life, take pride in myself and my surroundings, and stop waiting for perfection in order to be myself. Or am I still on a quest for perfection?! Aargh! I don’t really know the answer to that! But I do know that my house and yard are a disaster, I’m overweight, my health and hygiene are woefully neglected, and my children and husband and dog have been so patiently, lovingly oblivious that they don’t have the me that they deserve – an engaged, engaging, imperfect me. It’s like I’m waiting for something before I can start living. But there’s nothing that I’m waiting for! Life is here now! I need to take the first step to living it!

 

Week one: work on this blog weekly. And since it’s the first week, and I don’t have a long list of habits to incorporate into my day, I’m going to try to work on it daily this week – whether that’s writing or at this point, setting it up, formatting, etc. Day one – check!